news - Letters from behind the walls
With the permission of the men I documented behind the walls of the Iowa State Penitentiary at Fort Madison, I have transcribed some of our correspondence. I think their words can provide much needed insights to those of us fortunate to be on the other side of the walls.
CEDRIC B. THEUS
December 13, 2010.
Dear Edgar,
Happy holidays. I hope that this letter finds you well and in good spirits. I received your letter dated November 15, last month. I appreciate your update on the film, but especially on Brian. I do miss him, and I am glad that he is all right.
On that note (which means I am about to start complaining) I don't think the "powers that be" understand that these patients, after a while, become like family to some of us. We are not robots, or staff, so naturally we are going to form personal bonds with patients that we care for year after year. I am using the pronoun we, but I am not speaking for every ADL worker that they hire. Some people are just flat-out not fit for this kind of job.
I hate writing these kinds of letters to you. I wish that I could write letters telling you how great everything is going, but I can't. A lot of my complaints are the product of my personality. I have a strong dislike for bullies, and while none of the patients to my knowledge are being bullied (I would never allow it) when I see the weak and oppressed being disregarded, it ignites something in me.
I hope that the passion I feel never changes, but I do need ways to channel it. The stress of being powerless usually makes for a miserable existence. Each and every compliment that I have given you, and every word of encouragement, is born out of the power that I see in you. The ability to give a voice to the voiceless, and a face to the unseen, coupled with your sincere determination to use your ability against all odds, is why I admire you so much.
That is why I feel honored to call you a friend, a brother, and someone who I hope to emulate one day. What you do on your level gives me the confidence to do what I can my level.
I am glad that your visit with the warden was positive. I felt that it would be. I was a little disappointed that you did not get a chance to meet with us. For someone to act as if they did not recognize you, unless they are older, is just plain dishonest. I think that some people hoped they would never see you again. Take care of yourself and enjoy the season.
Sincerely, Ced
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October 25, 2010
Dear Edgar,
I hope that you are fine and in good health and spirits, as I am the same. Once again, forgive me for the delay in responding to your letter.
I appreciate and value your friendship, your thoughts, and your ideas. I have been anticipating a hospice meeting with the warden for the last two weeks, but it has yet to materialize. I am not discouraged. I understand that being the kind of warden, he is, one who is accessible to staff and prisoners, means that he has a lot on his plate.
I am confident that Prison Terminal will serve as a platform for all of my concerns, as it will expose the contrast between what the program started out as, and its current state.
I have some good and bad news; Sug has been interviewed for full-time ADL hospice position. Glover, despite submitting an application, has not. We all have our faults, but these guys have demonstrated the rare ability to serve as competent, and caring hospice and ADL workers. The manner in which they interacted with the patient's is not something that is easily taught. Patient care can become almost robotic, if the person providing the care does not, or cannot, connect with the patient.
I am not surprised at the favorable responses that you receive when you show the film. Whether on the West Coast, East Coast, or Midwest, our human spirit, if allowed, will usually overcome our biases toward one another. Empathy is a quality that seeks to bring out the best in us.
Regarding your chance meeting with Kinsey; all things happen in due season. I have not doubted for a second that things will work out exactly as they should; I believe that your goal is divinely guided. I don't believe that things just fall into place. Your mission is one that serves humanity, and in my opinion, that is the highest form of worship.
As far as the images that you sent, I too, choose the rib cage image. My selection is biased, though. As a Muslim, I do not believe in the depiction of divine prophets or messengers; as I feel it leads to worship of the created in Lou also create your. I respect, love, and honor Jesus Christ in a manner that causes me to view any attempt at re-creating his image, as offensive. However, I support your decision, as I trust your judgment, and artistic experience.
It is truly an honor to have you represent prison hospice. Your advocacy in settings such as your presentation at Penn State is invaluable. The oversight that you pointed out is sadly the norm. Prisoners are often talked about, but rarely talked to, in those types of situations. $1.3 million seems excessive for prison hospice research, even though I believe in the cause. You could probably provide them with all of the material they need with your footage alone.
Once again, it was a pleasure touching base with you. If you need anything, do not hesitate to call on me. I wish you well, and your family and friends also.
Your brother Cedric
PS: Sorry for the mistakes. Sometimes my thoughts move faster than my pen.
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August 30, 2010
Dear Edgar,
I hope that all is well with you and your family.
I took my time writing back to you, because I know that you are very busy working on your masterpiece, and I don't want you to feel obligated to respond to my letters in a certain amount of time. I know that going through all of that footage is very time consuming.
I was glad to hear that you got your equipment, and that things are moving along in a very positive direction. I appreciate the updates, your compliments, and the comments from your trip to Oregon (I showed them to the new warden last month) Like I said before, I consider you a friend and a brother. The work that you do will impact countless lives. There are people who you will never see, or no, who'll benefit from hospice care, spawned from your film.
I know that the work can be tedious at times, and it may seem as if the end is nowhere in sight, but know that the struggles that you go through are for a very noble, an honorable cause. I am already proud of what you have accomplished. You have championed this cause in a way that only you can do. You people have the opportunity to offer such a gift to humanity. I commend you for following your dreams and attacking such a monumental goal. You inspire me to do what I do, so keep up the good work.
The film will turn out just as it should, and I have no doubt that it will be great. I really don't have much good to say about the program, or how things are going. The people who care the most are virtually powerless, and that can be very frustrating.
We have a new warden and he seems to be more down-to-earth than any I had ever known. He is approachable and easy to talk to. Maybe he will do more to salvage the program. Glover is talking about returning to work full time, which would be great benefit to the patient's.
Take care yourself.
Sincerely, Cedric.
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June 13, 2010
Dear Edgar,
How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while so I am a little concerned. I hope that everything is fine.
I have decided to keep working in the hospital for now. Part of my decision was based on your advice, and there were so many others who wanted me to stay as well. I am still a little frustrated, hopefully that will pass. I guess I just miss having guys like Glove around. They are dedicated to patients, and that kind of care is hard to come by.
I haven't forgotten about writing an article about hospice, and how valuable it is in this setting. I've made several notes on various topics. I just have to put it all together. I just want to let you know that I am still here if and when you need me. I still value your friendship, and I would like to know if you are all right.
Sincerely,
Ced
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March 30, 2010
Dear Edgar,
I'm glad to hear that your trip to Portland was a success, and he made it back safely. Thanks for the card and the update.
This letter will probably be brief. I just want to let you know that you don't have to send me a copy of my letters before you use them for the site. I told you before; I am committed to this project and the cause that it highlights. Also, I trust yout judgment. All I ask is for you to send me a copy of what you decide to use. I stand behind my words, and then prepared to either explain, or defend them. Don't worry, I am not fainthearted so again; use what you feel you need to use.
We are not allowed to accept stamps, but I appreciate your consideration. Sending letters is not a hardship for me. Yes, and when you need me, I'm here. Don't hesitate out of concern for me. I have more to give to the program and taking care of patients - even though they are what is important. I have a duty to use what I can, when I can, to advance the cause of humanity, because I choose to be a humanitarian.
I have already started making notes for articles concerning hospice, but I probably won't start writing until next week. I have some important legal developments that I need to direct. I have not given up on the legal front, as I know that my conviction and sentence is unjust. I am no angel, but I am not a devil either.
I am not familiar with the Fortune Society. I may have heard of the name, but that's about it. I think that your book idea is great, so when it's time, just let me know what you need me to do.
Sincerely, Ced
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March 15, 2010
Dear Edgar,
I hope that you and your loved ones are, well, and everything in your life is moving in a positive direction. I am as well as can be expected.
I have spent the last few days trying to recollect all that I have written about in my letters to you. I don't keep copies of my letters, so my concern is that I may have done a lot of complaining, or venting, thinking that you would be the only person reading them. However, I trust your judgment. If you feel that my letters will be helpful, but you have my permission to use any or all of them.
I hope that I can remain authentic in my letters. Consciously sharing my problems, or views I as I have done previously, is not the problem. From now on I will always be a bit cautious, because I know that my letter may end up on the website. I feel like you have a good understanding of who I am, so I am not afraid of you taking my words out of context.
I also tried to contribute a few articles relating to hospice and or, my thoughts and views on the importance of these kinds of humanitarian programs. I would like to offer a disclaimer, though; I do not write simply from the perspective of a prisoner; even if my issues seem to relate exclusively to my present experience. I am not a prisoner's rights activist. I believe in social justice and human rights in general.
These core beliefs cause me to speak out on the behalf of those who are weak, voiceless and or powerless -- which is how prisoners who were terminally ill eventually become. I know that your work in film will spark new debates about whether or not hospice should exist in prison.
For me, hospice is synonymous with compassion, and compassion should exist whenever or wherever there is pain and suffering. So I am letting you know, once again that I have your back -- as a friend, brother, comrade, but most importantly as a fellow humanitarian.
Sincerely, Ced
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February 22, 2010
Dear Edgar,
I hope that you and your family are as well as me and mine are. As always, I am grateful for your letters. I am still planning to find a new job, but I am not leaving the hospice program. I believe in the ADL program, but I need to know that those in authority do as well. I don't want to end up saying something out of frustration that will get me fired.
I am trying to work with one patient individually. I believe that he will benefit more from one-on-one care, then being secondary to everything else that goes on. This patient cannot speak or think well enough to be on his own, but we have a bond. I have worked with him the longest, so he listens to me and is easier for me to deal with him than some of the others.
If my offer to work with him only is rejected, I will probably return to the job I had before ADL. It is in the clinical care unit, and basically consists of being a mentor to inmates with mental issues. There are several jobs that I can take, but I would rather have one that allows me to be a benefit to someone in a way that is meaningful. I don't have a problem with regular jobs, those that any healthy person can do. I am at a point in my life where I need to do something that is mentally and emotionally stimulating. After going through the hospice training, I cannot imagine going back to the prison norm.
I think that you have some great ideas for the film. Especially the one about making a longer version. I am extremely confident that whatever you do will be greater than most expectations. Let me know how the conference in Portland goes.
If I'm not mistaken, I can remember being told that all Theus’ are related. So if Barbara Theus is her maiden name and her family is from Louisiana and we are probably related. I plan to trace my roots, one day. I want to leave some form of tangible family history for my children and their progeny. I am the kind of person who wants to know where I came from and who I am connected to. As always, I wish you well,
Sincerely Cedric
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January 6, 2010
Dear Edgar,
Happy New Year! I hope that you and your loved ones are well. I am sorry that my negligence in not responding in a timely manner caused you to think that your letters were being stopped. Mail can only be stopped for a serious security issue, and it is a right and not a privilege.
Congratulations on your new job. Positive energy is always rewarded. I never doubted that things would work out for you, even when I didn't know where you were or what you were doing. I tend to pay attention to the stories and advice of successful people from various aspects of life. One thing that seems to be constant in their journeys to success is perseverance. No matter how many doors are shut in their faces, they continue to knock. Failure is only certain when they quit knocking.
Your situation has given me hope and encouragement to continue to pursue my goals. Your gift was not rare, often things work out better than we expect them to after we reached the point in our struggle where nothing seems to be working out in our favor.
In your case, your struggles, including the ones during filming to complete Prison Terminal would have made a good documentary. I don't think anyone could have written a better resolution than life has.
I am curious about the new area of research at the university and how they will use Prison Terminal as well as how they are planning to incorporate it into their curriculum. I am confused. Are they going to use the process and methods that you used during filming or the hospice subject matter?
I consider you a friend, so please do not hesitate to call on me for anything that I may be capable of providing. If I remember correctly, you have had previous experience with hospice. I think that the patient we have now is about the seventh I have personally experienced. I am thinking about retiring from being a full-time hospice/ADL work or around July.
Seeing these men in the last stages of their lives, and the sometimes lack of consideration for what they are going through, can be a bit much when you add all of the other prison dynamics to the situation. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone specifically, I am addressing the process; the way that the policy is implemented as a whole. Also watching these men transform mentally, spiritually, and physically isn't something that you can get used to.
I don't know if Marilyn or anyone else really understood how different that it would be for us, versus hospice volunteers on the outside who may have not spent years around the patience. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all overwhelmed. Lifers who volunteer for hospice are getting a peek at what they could possibly go through with each patient. I wish you well and success as you move closer toward your goal. Keep the positive energy flowing.
Peace and blessings in 2010.
Cedric
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December 7, 2009
Dear Edgar,
Happy holidays, thanks for the update, and for the letter and info that you sent in October. I thought I wrote to you after you sent the letter and photo of Brian, but there is a possibility that I did not.
The letter written by Dr. Byock was very inspiring. Every time I read it I say to myself - here is someone who gets it. His understanding of the prison hospice situation is rare. It must be energizing to have his support.
Everything is fine in my hands. We have had a patient in hospice for about 6 to 8 weeks. We also have new hospice workers who are gaining their first experience. They seem to be a good group, but I need to see how they deal with the hard stuff before I can really say. I feel like one of the vets now.
There was an article in the USA Today Monday, November 30, 2009, page 380 titled Inmates Help in Prison Hospice. I am sure that you have either read it, or heard about it by now. If not I saved it. It's about the Angola prison hospice, but mentions Iowa as being one of the states with prison hospice programs. The article was placed right after the one about police search for killer in Washington, so I'm sure that it was read by most subscribers.
I think the article should help you in your search for funding, because it highlights the basic content of your film. It also shows that people are interested in such a topic, at least in the minds of the editorial staff at USA Today. I trusted journalistic judgment concerning the interest of average Americans.
I honestly believe that the film will be a huge success, especially with his healthcare debate that has been in the media. I hope that this will turn out to be your masterpiece. I say that out of my honest appreciation of your time, dedication, and commitment to this project - including the sore legs during filming! Of course I am biased, I love documentaries. I hope to make a few one-day, even though I have been sentenced to die in prison.
Finally, I'm sending two photos to you. Yes, I'm getting older and grateful to be doing so. Take care.
Sincerely.
Cedric
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September 15, 2009
Dear Edgar,
How are you? I hope everything is well for you and your loved ones. Thank you for coming to ISP and giving us an update on your film. I think that you did an outstanding job.
In fact, I am inspired to help in any way that I can to see that your project is completed. I know that it must be difficult to secure finance in today's economy. I have some ideas, some of which you may have already tried.
I believe that the completion of Prison Terminal is essential for two main reasons. First, it highlights the plight of prisoners who were sentenced to die in prison. Second, it shows us in a positive light; it exposes our compassion, our humanity. I'm sure that you have your own reasons, and motivation, that demand your commitment. This project is very personal to me, and I have a lot of other guys, in and outside of the hospice brotherhood.
Prisoners are often painted with a broad brush and plenty of negative paint. There are plenty of documentaries (MSNBC) that exploit the worst of us. Filmmakers like you are needed to balance out the information that is being fed to the masses. I've written a testimonial similar to the one that you posted on prison terminal.com. I wanted to offer a fresh perspective on why am I a hospice volunteer, and why the program is important. Please add this to my previous one. I am also giving you permission to use it in your effort to promote the film, and secure funds to complete it. Feel free to use it however you see fit. I am available to assist you in any way that I can.
I'm including a list of organizations who should be interested in seeing a film like Prison Terminal Florida should. They may be willing to help raise funds or promote your project.
Prisoners and their families are usually poor, but collectively we are wealthy. Small donations from thousands at up. This film, either directly or indirectly, affects all of us. This is the message, I believe, that would unite several prisoner rights groups behind your project. I am not affiliated with any of these groups. Actually, I just became aware of some of them within the last week.
I let a few guys read my testimonial, explain to them your situation, and I was led to the groups on the list. I am sure that you are familiar with a lot more, after having produced a sentence of their own.
I would like to remain in contact with you so that I can assist you on my level. Thank you for all of your efforts, may you be rewarded for them.
Sincerely,
Cedric
PS please send confirmation that you receive this letter and the above mentioned documents. Thanks.
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September 10, 2009
Prison changes a person. Unfortunately, I can readily attest to that. I am sure that many of the 2 million or so people in US jails and prisons and their loved ones would support my testimony. If you agree to this statement, then you must also agree that dying in prison, and watching people die in prison, a revocable he changes a person. These two dynamics of the topic of this missive.
Three years ago, my account of why I chose to become a prison hospice volunteer, was that of a trainee. Now that I am a full hospice/ADL worker, my experiences over the last two years have broadened my perspective on the importance of a prison hospice program. I have been involved in the end-of-life care of at least six terminally ill patients. And they all been close to, or passed the age of the average life expectancy; my views would be similar to the one that held during and after my initial training.
No two deaths have been the same. I've taken a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, and experience from each patient. I have learned things that you cannot learn in training, because each patient is unique. Some knew they were ill for years. Others found out only a few months before they passed. I bore witness to dramatic changes, from seeing a man walking the yard full of life and energy, to watching him months later, become immobile, as he struggles to cling to the very last of his life.
Everything that we see or hear has the potential to alter who we are. Those alterations change us either for better or worse. The problems that I previously held to be monumental, suddenly became minuscule. As I went through hospice training, I often wondered if I could be compassionate towards those who committed heinous acts against completely innocent people. However, as each person lying in a hospice bed, their journey out of prison overshadowed would lead them into it. I did not see crimes, convicts, or offenders, I saw human beings who are in desperate need of the humanity of their fellow man.
Prison employees, no matter how compassionate, see all this as prisoners, inmates, or the new title offenders. Therefore, their empathy is limited. As prisoners, most of the hospice volunteers that I now understand the men and the bed, could one day be us. This is why, I believe that Marilyn Sales, the former, now retired, director of nursing, often emphasized that the hospice program here at ISP was to be our hospice. Even though the program is no longer ours, as prisoners we have a stake in the quality of care each patient receives.
For those of you who argue that life imprisonment is somehow more humane than the death penalty, you should also be interested in how a prisoner dies in prison. I invite you to look through my eyes. First, imagine witnessing legal execution. The condemned, after having his or her last meal is escorted to a chamber, strapped to a bed, and then offered a chance for last words. Then he or she is put to sleep, and paralyzed before their heart is stopped. It is not my intent to minimize such a barbaric, however sanitize process.
Now I want you to imagine being a prison hospice volunteer. Imagine sitting in a dark room for hours, night after night, as a patient nears the end of his life. He tosses, turns, groans and flops around the bed. As his body fails him, he goes blind, loses his ability to speak, and control of his bodily functions. He develops bedsores no matter how often he is repositioned, because his body is now little more than skin and bones. As you sit, watch, and try to provide what little comfort you can, you notice that the patient is laboriously turning onto his stomach, and pressing his face into the pillow. After repositioning him, you watch him do it again. Then you suddenly realize that you are witnessing, what could easily be viewed as an attempt to hasten his death-an attempt to ease his agony.
It is heartbreaking, but once again, you thwart his efforts, and reposition him. This goes on until the patient gives in; he is far too weary to continue. As more days pass, the patient continues to deteriorate before your eyes. Each breath he takes is a struggle, until there is no more fight left in him. You begin to wonder if you will suffer a similar fate.
Tell me, who suffers more? The condemned were given a lethal cocktail to usher them through their demise. Or is it the person who has to languish in a prison bed while cancer, or some other disease, slowly eats away at his existence. Which death is more humane?
While those who support and enforce the death penalty, seek out the most humane method to execute prisoners. Those who support life without parole often give no thought as to how humane the process is that allows a prisoner to die naturally in prison. This is why prison hospice programs are so important. My earlier depiction of what I have witnessed many terminally ill patients go through, is not an embellishment. In fact, my words fail miserably at articulating what actually takes place, as the patient dies, in a prison hospice room. Some of them go through a lot more torment, others a lot less. My point is this; if all of this is what takes place within our hospice room, you can imagine how horrendous it can be for the person who ends up terminally ill in a state, or federal prison, without a hospice program.
The Prison Terminal documentary offers an extremely important view into what actually takes place in the prison hospice. It honestly exposes the challenges, and the changes that terminally ill patients face, and those of the volunteers that take care of them. During my training, we watched several films that showed us what hospice patients and their caregivers go through outside of prison. After seeing both sides, I have come to this conclusion; death is an equalizer. The rich and the poor; the most pale skin tones to the darkest; the young, and the old; the intellectual and the layman; the doctor and the murderer, and the sinner and the Saint - all of us must face death on its terms. This is one of the most important lessons I have learned as a hospice volunteer. Therefore it is no longer a matter of if the man in the bed will be me, but when. However, the person who came into prison will not be the same one who leads - regardless of when or how that happens.
Sincerely,
Cedric B Theus |
